If the world was literal, I'd piss my pants.

Keeping with c0mandr's theming regarding the English language, I thought we'd take a look at what it would mean if we took signs literally, particularly ones found on toilet doors.

Toilets are complicated.

Here are some of the signs I'm talking about;

And if I'm not wearing a dress....?

But I don't have a hat?!

A dog toilet??

Its suggesting we do what in the toilet??

So I have to wait till its really urgent?

Only if I'm a man with two left feet?

If I'm confused about my gender identity?

Its acceptable practice? If so, can I peer over the wall too?

Well, Its good to know where our kind is welcome.

Men, woman, and midgets in wheelchairs welcome?

Men to the left, Women to the right, but if your a baby or retarded, you don't get one.

Posted for shits and giggles - Miss ~K~ xx.

People Who Refer to Similies as Metaphors...

...need to sign up for a frontal labotomy stat kthx. There are very few things that grind my gears, but when someone comes out with "C'mon man you are slower than molasses on codiene" and the reply is "heh, nice metaphor", it just proves that many people are careless with the English language. Do they simply not grasp the concept of semantics? Or is it just that the word 'metaphor' sounds much cooler than the word 'similie'? On reflection, metaphor is a pretty cool word... I mean you can add 'meta' to the front of any word and it would sound cooler. Metaverse, metafiltering, metacrawl, metadata, metawhore.... ok maybe not that last one. It would be an interesting concept... a prostitute who continually refers to herself... particularly during the act... although such people are generally refered to as talkers and should be avoided at all costs.

Anyway back on topic, being difficult as I am currently distracted by brilliant guitar riffs and licks which are assaulting my eardrums like a Mongolian hoard against the Great Wall of China (pop quiz: was that a similie or a metaphor?), people really need to ensure that they have a thorough understanding of a word before they start throwing it all over the shop. It is much easier to use a similie, because it is a direct comparison. "it disappeared LIKE a fart in the wind... he's going LIKE a house on fire... she's like a tiger!" Notice the key word in there? Yep! Now onto metaphors... "All the world's a stage... she's such a cow... life's a bitch..." THOSE are metaphors people! Referring to something that it isn't, but makes sense in context, is a metaphor! So, think before you spew words from your cake hole like a righteous nun on a bender. (Count em, 2 metaphors and 1 similie in the same statement! I have more metaphors than you can poke a stick at! Whoops- there goes another one!)

Anyway enough ranting about the English language, and let's move on to LOLcats.

Actually I have nothing to say about LOLcats except they are awesome. It just seemed like a good thing to end the post on. Seeya!

Answers to the pop quiz: It was a similie, dumbass.

Today brings with it an epiphany.

"I wasn't meant to be a lady of the 21st century, I was meant to be a mongol warlord"

Some 800 years ago, a fearsome and charismatic warrior named Temujin united the nomadic tribes of Mongolia, in 1206 he assumed the title of Ghengis Khan.
I am sure that I do not need to remind you all that I am both fearsome and charismatic, not to mention beautiful, intelligent, captivating, alluring, creative and above all, incredibly modest. Oh, and I'm a woman and never wrong.

*cough*

It could be said that the K in "Miss ~K~" does not refer to the fact that my name is possibly Katherine, but is actually a reference to me being a Khan. The first female Khan at that, because up until now, all other females who applied for such status, fell short; 5cm too short infact. Mongol warlords were well known for their pillaging and plundering as are pirates and I spent many an intarweb year as a pirate wench aboard The Salty Mouthful. But alas, for that is a story for another time, and likely another place.

These days, Mongol warlords are much better known for laughing inappropriately at inopportune moments.

This guide , although it may make no specific reference to Mongol warlords, most definitely is worth reading - especially if you are a Mongol warlord, or if you are just suffering from inappropriate laughter.

"Laughing at other people (particularly strangers) can make them quite angry. If you feel the urge to laugh at someone who is trying to be serious with you, use any and all of the techniques listed to avoid laughing. The pain you save may be your own (especially if you laugh at someone you don't know well). Most people are able to deal with being laughed at, but some are very sensitive about it."

Some scenarios are worse than others when comparing occasions on which one has inappropriately laughed.

Should you have a cat loving best friend who has recently killed his prize winning kitten by shutting it in the fridge door, like as is shown below; its probably not a good time to laugh.

Being the Mongol warlord that I am, I verily proceeded to roll around on the floor for a good five minutes in hysterics.

Something more acceptable to be laughing inappropriately at, is the 'failed reverse park...#307' which always ends in hysterics as one of two things will happen. Either the driver will try multiple times and succeed after a period of 30 minutes or more, or the driver will try multiple times and give up, driving off to find a more suitable parking space (like an open air field). No matter which of these two outcomes, you can almost guarantee most people will laugh, regardless of whether they are a Mongol warlord or otherwise.



Youtube has some excellent examples of failed parking, even more so if you put the word 'woman' in your search options. Yes, I am allowed to make women driving jokes, as I am legally unable to drive.
Something to do with previously killing several pedestrians made them revoke my license. I can't help it if I had a complete GTA moment...

Sometimes laughing is not inappropriate, but completely warranted. Below is a good example.

Ultimately I think we have decided that even though my status as a Mongol warlord entitles me to continue laughing inappropriately at things, I should really add it to my list.

I bet you are most curious now as to what the other 16 points on this list are, but that, my friends, is something you'll just have to stick around to find out ;)

Poker is a Strange Game

It seems as though everytime we gather around the coffee table (or down at the pub) for a game of hold'ems, the exact same thing happens to me. I lose. But not only that, I lose in the exact same way every time. I start off slowly loosing all my chips, a few minor wins here and there, then going all in on a no-hoper and winning several bucketloads of chips in the process. This invariably leads to over-confidence, and what do you think happens over the next 5 minutes to my collection of chips? I shall explain in pictorial form:

What keeps me going back week after week is the neverending hope to break out of this cycle. It's still the best game ever of course!

Onto more pressing matters at hand. I firmly believe that the tenants down the road who partied late into the night on Tuesday night should be charged with terrorism. Seriously, who parties on a TUESDAY? The week is still going uphill? And poor me, who has to endure 3 hours of multivariable calculus at 9am the next day, is forced to lay in bed and listen to drunken merriment all night long. I wouldn't mind so much even if the music was decent... but I think I heard the likes of Pink and Britney in the mix, which wanted me to drive a toothpick into my ears and turn my eardrums into chutney. Having said that, my friend deciding that the music for our last party being "the 80s", could have qualified for such chutneyfying of the eardrums.

Speaking of aural torture, I proceeded to take photographic evidence of the lunar eclipse the other night, only to be surrounded at the park by a coven of pagans, ceremonial dress and all, banging bongos, shaking tamberines, and blowing random notes on their 2nd-grade freebie recorders, all the while dancing in circles singing incoherantly. Now, tolerant as I may be of other peoples beliefs, it was damn well amusing to watch. So amusing i nearly missed the slip into totallity. Drove the dogs crazy too. Alas, I headed home when I realised that a gang of Catholics wasn't going to storm the ritual like a holy crusade. One of these days it will happen, and my smirky wishes for a Catholic vs Neo-Pagan bloodbath will ensue. I think I might open my own backyard fighting circle, kinda like cockfights, but without the birds. I'll put $50 on the reconstructionists to win over the roman sect, thanks! But then again, not only am i nearly certain that bloodsports are against my tenancy agreement, but I do not want some Wiccan council or the Vatican [eh, same difference really] raiding my domicile. But it might amuse the Mexicans.

Alright, I am going to make like a tree and get the fuck out of here!

C'est La Lune

Well, I'm not quite sure about the rest of you, but I believe that c0mandr and I excelled ourselves with the superfluous entertainment we provided last night for your viewing pleasure. I trust that you were all completely enamored by our display of Lunar Manipulation and I hope that now you have an understanding of the sheer potency of our combined power.

I stumbled across a paragraph today which I have decided to share with you all, for it is what c0mandr and I hope you will be able to relate to in the coming months of regularly visiting this page.

"My earliest aesthetic experience revolved around a small, clear plastic bottle of green-apple bubble-bath. To my parents a casually accepted free sample at the supermarket, it was to me a jewel that I discovered while my mother was giving me a bath. I was held in thrall by its endless greenness, its unctuous ooze, its divine smell. It left me dumb with pleasure."

'Dumb with pleasure' is indeed what we are hoping you will experience from the incessant ramblings and splinters of sheer verbal ingenuity spewing forth from our collective minds.

To share with you another quote, this time not aimed at you, but rather at myself, perhaps giving you further insight to my insanity, I leave you with this.

"My other earliest memory is vague, no more than a distant feeling that I can sometimes seize, most often not. Being so dimly remembered, perhaps it came first. I became aware of a voice inside my head. What is this, I wondered. Who are you, voice? When will you shut up? I remember a feeling of fright. It was only later that I realized that this voice was my own thinking, that this moment of anguish was my first inkling that I was a ceaseless monologue trapped within myself."


- Miss ~K~ x.

Beware, all ye who enter, for here there be Dragons!

14th Century AD: The Renaissance brings with it an age of cultural and scientific enlightenment
1949: The United States of America drops the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, killing hundreds of thousands.
1969: Man takes his first steps on the Moon, ushering in a new age of scientific achievement
1987: Pop singer Rick Astley releases his hit single "Never Gonna Give You Up", which sets in motion a string of events which leads to internet users everywhere being Rickrolled.
2001: Terrorists fly hijacked airliners into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, changing the political face of the earth for many years to come.
2007: Arsenic and Jubilation goes live. The above events are about to become as insignificant as the sneeze of a Mongolian woman hopped up on steroids and barley sugar.

August 28, 2007. A date which shall live in infamy. Unbeknownst to most of the human race, a rift formed in the space time continuum somewhere over Zimbabwe, and a little blog from another dimension slipped into our universe. It wandered for some time (entire seconds passed), before a couple of diabolical geniuses stumbled upon the hapless journal and decided to use it as an outlet for their undeniable insanity, warping its very existence to the point of being insane itself. It is this outlet that now explodes onto your screen as the epic that is Arsenic and Jubilation.

Hailing from an un-named country which may or may not have once been home to her co-blogging partner, Katherine has been combating a life fraught with addiction. Managing to overcome the worst of them, she is still very attracted to Jack Daniels and manages to find the time to indulge in the same on a regular basis. She has aspirations to study both Psychology and Sexology in order to understand herself better and gain even more engaging skills in the bedroom. She is eloquent, loquacious and purely insatiable and we just know that you will stick around so that you can bask in the insanity created by this dynamic duo.

Long ago abandoning what was offered by the Island state, Cameron has taken Sydney by storm. Under the guise of being an Engineering student, he is working for the man and scabbing from Centrelink, whilst playing guitar and xbox, wasting time on the internet, and bludging in the city. Photography is one thing that keeps his otherwise wandering attention, as is drinking to near excess whenever the situation calls for it. His lifelong dream is to be the proud owner of his very own blog in which to post his innermost- oh wait... Lifelong dream achieved! This is cause for a celebratory binge drinking session! /reaches for a beer

Whether you have esteemed Beer, Jacks or Arsenic to be your poison of choice. we invite you to grab a pint of it (thats right, a pint you lightweights), and settle in for a roller coaster ride into Oblivion.

Are you questioning our ability to surpass all of the aforementioned historical dates? Well, allow us to show you an example of the strength of our combined powers by making the Moon vanish... be watching now, but don't wander too far away, or you might miss out on our next trick ;).

Regards,
c0mandr + Miss ~K~