Thursday, September 13, 2007

ADHD, Blondes and Drugs... and the occasional octopus...

Dear Disciples of the religion that is Arsenic and Jubilation,

I must apologize for my lack of attentiveness over the last few moons, for I am having an affair. I have decided not to keep it a secret any longer. I promised myself I was going to stop it after the first time it happened, but alas, I couldn't overcome the urges.

I have a thing for blondes.

And its really difficult to keep my hands off them when there always seems to be different ones in my house. Sometimes they come with people, and other times I'm not sure how they get here and I will also admit to having brought them home on more than one occasion.

Quite often I take them straight to my room, without wasting time in the kitchen or showing them around, straight down to my room where I consume them. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, enjoying their divine flavor.

Blondes are better than reds, and I think they are wetter too. Nothing like a nice wet blonde. Mmmm.

After a hard day at work, its a very fine thing to be able to come home, pop a blonde, exposing the perfectly formed bottleneck... Oh my, you didn't realize I was talking about beer did you?

I can't believe I'm cheating on Jack with Beer, but being the student that I am, I cannot afford Mr. D's prices, especially not now that I'm heading out every other evening. Hopefully he will forgive me... if not, there will always be another blonde waiting in the wings... or at the bottle shop as the case may be.

In other news, I have come to the magnificent conclusion that someone who works at Metro, putting up posters on the bus, has a wickedly awesome sense of humor, or, just happened to accidentally provide me with what I have esteemed to be one of the funniest things I've had the honor of witnessing in 2007.

The front few seats on our buses all have stickers, which isn't unusual, suggesting that people please vacate those seats for elderly or disabled passengers. Which is fine. I have no problems with that. Nor did I laugh. But what did make me literally lol, was a poster on the wall of the bus above those seats which read;

"Please leave this seat free for potential organ donors"...(then in really really tiny print, which no one would be able to read, it goes on to say "well, actually, you can sit here, because anyone can be an organ donor..."

Now really, if you're not at least smiling about this by now, I'd be surprised.

Most elderly people can't read fine print, and I'm quite tempted to point the sign out to one of them who is sitting beneath it as soon as I get the chance. I think it would be quite humorous - I'm sure we've all had the pleasure of experiencing a slightly disgruntled elderly person before.

Sticking with the public transport stories, we move from Esmae the slightly disgruntled old bat, to my home towns very own 'Clive' 'the slightly too loud commuter'. Except our version doesn't talk on his mobile phone about the possible STIs he has, instead he will talk to the nearest unsuspecting passenger about his lack of recent sexual encounters and how 'fired up' and 'ready to go' he is, should he find a 'wanting lady'. Just between you and me, I don't think he will find a 'wanting lady' any time soon - but then again, stranger things have happened.

Speaking of strange things and sex, an interesting topic came up while chatting with a mate of mine a few nights ago. He added a new term to my vocabulary (which is quite odd, considering how extensive my sexual vocabulary is these days). The new term is "Starfishing" and it refers to the bottom partner during missionary type positions, when they just lay there and take it.

As it turns out, many of my male friends have complained to me of this very thing with their girlfriends, but they had not been referring to it as "starfishing" but I will edumacate them, for I think its an awesome term and hereby give serious kudos to its creator.

I also made the comment, "if lying there and doing nothing is starfishing, then I'm an octopus with ADHD who forgot to take her ritalin"... But I'll leave deciphering that one to your highly capable imaginations..

Until tomorrow, this is your ADHD octopus off in search of ritalin, or adventure ;)

- Miss ~K~ xx.