Sunday, September 16, 2007

An Open Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Ms Nature

Firstly, allow me to thank you. For millions of years (or thousands, if your religious views swing that way) you have provided us with the rain needed to grow crops, the sun needed to keep us warm and alive, the trees, wildlife, grass, oceans, sunsets, sunrises, and a whole manner of other ecological and meteorological wonders. You have sustained the human race from evolutionary infancy to the dominant powerhouses we are today. We owe our entire existence to you, and for that you have people who bow down and worship you (and by bow down of course I mean dress in bright flowing colours and dance around playing the tambourine), while the rest of us just appreciate the natural beauty you have provided.

In light of this, I have but one question. Why do you hate us so much, you fucking bitch? You give us mild summers, freezing cold winters, and do not get me started on Septembers. Seriously, what is up with it being freezing fucking cold one day and sun out shining brightly the next? You make everyone sick (literally) with your inability to make up your damned mind about what you want to do today, and as soon as you settle on the idea (which is usually overcast and humid with a forcast of SUDDEN DEATH, everyone is so used to your randomness that they get sick again! Have you abandoned us? Or were the past couple million years one huge ploy to gain our trust before stabbing us in the back for laughs? Are you evil? Are you Satan? Either way it proves that you have been a wolf in sheeps clothing all the time. But I have discovered you, Mo- I have found out the truth and now I lay the facts out bare for the entire world to see. I know now that our eco system is sustained by a sadist so evil, you make Darth Vader look like a schoolyard bully. You make Hitler look like that one seagull that always snatches the hot chips from the mouth of the smaller ones you are trying to feed. You are nothing more than a bored kid out in the sun with magnifying glass, laughing maniacally as you burn ant after ant after poor innocent fucking ant.

I have a theory as to why you are like this. Paganism has died out, and neopaganism sucks. You want more worshippers, for you are a megalomaniacal attention-whore. But you are also an imamterial, intangible, and otherwise passive individual, so how does one gather followers when you can't materialise in front of them? Through acts of kindness and trust? No. The answer is FEAR. The message you are trying to broadcast is "WORSHIP ME OR I WILL THROW DROUGHT, FLASH FLOODING, EARTHQUAKES, MASS EXTINCTIONS, AND VOLOCANO ERUPTIONS IN YOUR FACES! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!". The thing is, Mo, us humans for the most part, don't want to worship you. We are battlers, and get through anything you throw at us. And now that the truth has been lain bare, we can resist. The purpose of this open letter is to declare war on nature. A war that we shall fight to the last man (and woman). A war that shall liberate our planet from your tyranny at all costs. A war that may last generations, but all the sacrifice shall be more than made up for in our total and complete VICTORY! So heed this warning, Ms Nature, gather what troops you have, and meet us behind the bike shed at recess.

Sincerely Yours
The General
Faceless and Secret Leader of The Resistance

DISCLAIMER: This is NOT a political, environmental, or religious message. The bitch nearly destroyed my party, and I am out for blood.